"I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind." -- Ben Folds Five

2004-02-08 - 6:11 p.m.

So I was lying in bed last night, watching Saturday Night Live -- moreso, I was watching Clay Aiken sing on Saturday Night Live, and thinking to myself, "This guy can really SING!", and generally admiring Clay Aiken all around, when the thought suddenly struck me that this is election year and the American people will utimately screw up yet again.

That is to say, they would screw up, you know, if America, like "American Idol", was a democracy.

Because, obviously, America isn't a democracy.

(If it were, we wouldn't have the idiot in the White House right now, we'd have a different idiot sitting there, but I digress).

Anyhow, people of America, screw the elections. Your vote doesn't count, anyway, as the American government thinks you're too stupid to decide who's leader (which may, in part, be true. I mean, popular vote did get Arnold Schwartzenneger in the governor's seat in California, probably because most of the voters thought it would be "funny", but hey I live in South Carolina and try to stay out of California's business unless it involves teen dramas taking place in Orange County, so whatever).

Hi, it's called the "electoral college", or "the big people in Washington think Average Joe is too stupid to pick amongst a group of guys who are pretty much the same -- white, ivy league educated, rich and married to Miss "insert state name here" 1976.

Ahh, the electoral college... how Bush got into the White House when he didn't win popular vote, because though we like to go around bragging about how we live in a free democracy and our country is so great, it just turns out that the truth is we live in a Republic and our government knows the majority of us in the country are idiots.

Which is why I implore you, people of America, use democracy for the good of the country! Forget the presidential elections! Vote for the next American Idol!!

And don't screw up again this year!

I mean, Ruben Studdard?? GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE!! The guy couldn't carry a tune if he had a bucket!!

Okay, so maybe he can carry a tune, but he has NO vocal range!

NO VOCAL RANGE!!

He sings variations of one frickin' note! All his songs (if he ever, you know, gets radio play with any of his songs) will all sound the same and in a couple of years, no one will remember who he is, because he actually sucks and Clay Aiken should have won the competition last year HANDS DOWN, and America, I am truly ashamed, even though Clay WAS on SNL, Ruben wasn't and it was all most likely because Ruben sucks and also shares a name with a sandwich, which is just wrong.

And now, my fellow Americans, I will step off my soapbox and pray that you'll all vote for someone cool, like that red-headed kid who can croon, or that other guy that Simon said looked like a pen salesman (you know which one I mean), and not someone who sucks, like that model guy who only got on because Paula Abdul thought he was hot (which admittedly, he is, but as Simon would say, "This is a singing competition!!").

Oh, and if you must vote in the upcoming elections, I say vote for Dean.

The man is unstable and a complete idiot (just like most of the country!!).

I liiiiiikkke him.

the forest - the trees - randomness