"I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind." -- Ben Folds Five

2001-12-05 - 11:08 p.m.

Ask me how my day was today. Go on, ask me.

Here�s a hint:

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, THAT good.

Today was the first in a series of scheduled monthly lab meetings between my lab and the lab down the hall, with whom we are currently feuding.

Yep, it�s the Hatfields and the McCoys all over again, except we aren�t allowed to bring shotguns into work to settle our little �disagreements�, though I must admit that sounds like a refreshing idea after today�s wonderful events.

Of course, the meeting started at 9:00 am this morning, but before we left for the conference room, my boss coached us on what to say. Call it a �pep talk�, if you will. Phrases such as,

�Bring [insert plant-related genetics crap here] up. That�ll piss �em off!�

and

�I�m not trying to egg you guys on, and I�d like to say this to them, but I�ve already been chewed out for telling them off, so you guys can do it this time.�

Uh, huh. This is going to be fun. I can tell already.

The meeting started out with my boss explaining what our lab was doing. The head of the other lab constantly interrupted and asked questions and pointed out how they �didn�t do it THAT way in her lab.�

My boss looked so incredibly pissed. I thought the little vein in his forehead was going to burst.

I sat back and kept quiet.

Next, the head of the other lab explained what they were doing, and it was my boss� turn to ask stupid questions and point out how his way of doing things was better than her way. He came prepared, too, with lots of data from experiments and numbers which he had obviously manipulated in order to make himself look better.

�OUR lab had a 96% efficiency rate when we did that same experiment. I see YOU only got a 25% efficiency rate. Oh, don�t worry� we ALL make mistakes�� (said in an extremely condescending tone).

After an hour and a half of argument over where my boss got his numbers, the head of the entire lab broke it up before they started throwing chairs at each other.

Next, the cute guy was asked to explain what he was working on. Now about the cute guy, he pretty much has it made. Somehow, he has managed to confuse everyone in the entire lab. No one knows who he really works for, and no one wants to appear stupid by asking, so basically he does whatever he wants and doesn�t have to answer to anyone. But, I am on to his little game. He gets away with everything by smiling at all the females (and some of the males) in the place when they confront him about what he�s doing. Inevitably, they start giggling like schoolgirls and forget what they asked him. The males are obviously intimidated by his looks and avoid him all together. Basically, from what I�ve pieced together so far, this is his typical day:

8:00 AM � arrive at work

8-8:30 AM � have morning coffee

8:30-9:30 AM � push cart up and down halls to appear to be working

9:30-10:30 AM � sit in breakroom, drinking hot chocolate and reading newspaper

10:30-11:30 AM � chop some plants up, place them in petri dishes of water because it just looks cool.

11:30AM-12:30 PM � Lunch

12:30-1:30 PM � push cart up and down halls to appear to be working

1:30-2:30 PM � start bacterial cultures to pour onto plants cut earlier, because that would be cool.

2:30-3:30 PM � take a break from all the hard work.

3:30-4:30 PM� change into gym clothes and go running on the trail behind the lab to break up the tortuous hard labor

4:30-5:00 PM � open bottles of various chemicals in the lab. Smell them. This is important scientific research.

5:00 PM � go home

Well, anyway, when asked about his work, he just smiled at everyone and said he was working with � get this � �the plants and bacteria and stuff�. He then smiled, again, and everyone in the room started smiling and blushing and looking down at their feet. The head of the entire lab told him what a good job he was doing, too. Oh my god. If only I were THAT pretty. I would so have it made. He�s so hot. And this is why he gets away with everything � because no one hears what he�s saying when he talks � all you hear is �Ohmygod� you are so hot�ohmygod� tee hee�� running through your head. It�s horrible. The guy could easily take over the planet. He has that power. I�m serious. It�s sad.

Anyway, just as the meeting is about to wrap up and I�m thinking, �I�m off the hook,� my boss cuts in with,

�Oh, wait! Didn�t you guys have something you wanted to say?�

So, I told them about how I�d moved some plants around and left a calendar for everyone to write up what they needed done in regards to certain experiments.

One of the girls from the other lab got an attitude with me, saying

�Um, I think not!� and �Uh, try again!� at all of my suggestions to improve maintenance of the plants.

I�d had enough of that girl. She�s been irritating me since last week. This was the straw that broke the camel�s back.

I replied, �Look, I�m really sorry that you�re having a bad day. But you don�t need to take it out on me. And I�m also very sorry if it�s an inconvenience for you to write down what you need in a calendar, but if it isn�t in the calendar, I will not do it. Do you understand?�

Suddenly, the entire room got quiet. My boss was sitting in his chair, looking rather triumphant, but everyone else started fidgeting, looking really nervous.

This particular girl is one that is pretty nasty if she doesn�t get her way, so most people avoid her.

She looked at me for a few seconds, blinking, her extremely heavy mascara looking as if it were weighing her eyelids down. I stood my ground, hand on hip. I�m sure it was a Kodak moment.

Everyone was holding their breath to see what would happen next. I half-expected her to jump on me and start flinging her arms at me � my very first cat-fight�. Awww�

Instead, she said,

�Excuse me? But YOU are supposed to maintain our stocks. And you�ll do it whether I write it down or not. YOU�RE supposed to keep track of that.�

�Well, excuse ME, but I�m not asking you to write it down in the calendar. I am telling you to do it. If you do not do it, I will not maintain your anything. If you do not like this, too bad. You can maintain your own stocks. I hope this is clear to you. And last time I checked, you didn�t sign my paycheck.�

Now we were both standing up, hands on hips. This is the closest I have ever come to a cat fight in my whole entire life. I was so ready to start pulling some hair. Didn�t happen. I was so disappointed.

Instead, she stormed out of the room.

The head of the lab said he�d talk to her, and the rest of us were free to go.

Right now, my boss loves me. I just scored major points for our lab in the feud game. But I have a feeling this is not over yet. I have not seen the last of stuck-up mascara girl�

(dum, dum, dum�)

Oh, I can�t wait till next month�s meeting.

the forest - the trees - randomness